Monday, May 2, 2011

Untitled (Monster)

I am the wind
This piece of petrified wood
Hidden for years
In a cave
Covered by undisturbed sediment
That can only occur
Through lack of movement...
Lack of action…

Too long I paced,
Hand on hip,
Waiting to be acknowledged.
And now you shine your flashlight
In my face?
Just because you
Finally decided that
You wanted to
Open your mouth and speak?
Expecting me to listen…
But I’ve been rendered
Deaf by the years of silence

Your words are lost
Save your breath
And save me the energy
That I would expend in
Justifying who I am
You helped create the monster
And now you are disgusted…
Beholdthe fruits of your neglect

~Jennifer Rapier-Milne


Nothing is ever simple is it?
Well, not the important things…
I could really use an atlas right now,
Because I’m confused
And the only direction
I can seem to accurately go in
Is south

All I can accomplish
Are more questions,
And a paralysis
Born out of a fear
Of the unknown…
I’ve succumbed to the
Stagnation of inaction

Sitting here,
Quietly hoping that
The universe will
Sort everything out
While I try to
Remain neutral. 
But, the one thing I’m certain of,
Is that it doesn’t work this way

Perplexed are the people around me
Why do they care?
Sitting back watching this
Magnificent parade of disaster
Is it really that interesting?
My silence drives them mad
But when I speak,
My words become a circus
I feel like I’m being ripped apart in a feeding frenzy

Everyone seems to
Know what I need
Better than I…
Everyone seems to
Know my intentions
Better than I…
They know me,
Better than I…
I would challenge
Anyone who thinks they know…

Please…be my guest
Grant me an expert analysis…
Look beyond my hazel eyes
Into this glorious
Kaleidoscope of grays…
Refractions of fractures…
Judge me if
You are self-righteous enough
To do so

I’m not perfect
Go ahead and remind me…

Why is it,
That when you need someone the most,
You find yourself alone?
I’m not willing to cry,
Because I know there is no one
To provide a trustworthy shoulder,
I have been there
As often as I could
For anyone in need,
Yet the assumptions and judgment
Have made me feel isolated
I finally reached out for a moment
Only to lighten my load
To drop it, and move on
To understand more deeply
To feel better – not to offend
Just to have it come crashing down on me anyway
And I’ll admit, it hurts

Now I would rather rot on the inside than speak.
I would rather stay on my island
Than visit the mainland;
The lynch-mob is waiting

I have been judged and sentenced
Guilty because I would not defend myself
Guilty because I didn’t want to make things worse…
Guilty because I would rather be hurt, than hurt another…
I failed…but I meant well.

Have some faith in me…
Things are not always as they seem.

~Jennifer Rapier-Milne

How Did I Get Here?

How did I get here?
Rediscovering who I am,
But losing part of myself…
How did I get here?
Trying to strike a balance
Between the most important people in my life
And the most important thing in my life…
How did I get here?
Lonely but not alone
Loved but not loved
How did I get here?
Close but not too close
Wanted but not needed
How did I get here?
Wishing for simplicity
But welcoming complication…
How did I get here?
Wanting to be free
But willing to be tied…

How did I get here?  

~Jennifer Rapier-Milne

Untitled (Perfect Whore)

I am not listening
I’ve heard it all before
If you don’t care about me
I’ll show myself to the door
This game went into overtime
And no one is keeping score
I wanted to be your angel
But I became your perfect whore…

~Jennifer Rapier-Milne

Still Here Waiting

I have breathed a thousand and sighs for you
I have died a thousand deaths for you
I’ve let my heart play the fool
I stood in the rain
And I’m still here waiting…

I put my name in your hands
I knew no one would understand
I hear the laughter behind my back
I’ve risked the consequences
And I’m still here waiting…

~Jennifer Rapier-Milne

Life Preserver

I just woke up and found the world around me…
Crumbled and devastated, in my hands…
All the blood and the tears
All my fears and my doubts
I was clawing the walls trying to climb out
I couldn’t do it alone, but nobody heard
Me screaming save me…

Am I such a thief that I’d steal my own soul?
Am I just so weak that I couldn’t let go?
I held on for dear life and then I lost control

I grabbed hold of your rope…
And you cut me loose
And left me with only enough to make my own noose…

Now I’m broken and drowning out here in the rain
No one will forgive me for playing their game
I’m not that person you knew in the past

Where is my sanctuary?
I need asylum please
Let me take hold of your hand

Don’t you know?
That you’re the one
who saved me?
Don’t you know?

~Jennifer Rapier-Milne

Culture Shock

Small town…
Dust bowl…
Around me
When the wind blows
Dust clears
I’m still here
I wish it would just blow me away.

I’m silenced
By this isolation
Is dangerous
For kindred
Spirits in this graveyard.

Where is my latte?
My art gallery?
I can’t say any thing
Without it spreading like a plague.
I buried myself in
Where’s the girl I knew back when?
She’s lost and she’s drowning
In steak and sweet tea.
All these dirt roads lead to nowhere…

~Jennifer Rapier-Milne

Walking Blind

I walk
Your way
You stray

Fine lines
Narrow roads
Rocks fray

Can’t you see I’m not your kind?
Can’t you see you’re not alive?

What do you want?
I’m not really lost
You keep pushing me
But I don’t fit in your box

I wash away
Drowning in your wake

Can’t you see I’m not your kind?
Can’t you see you’re not alive?

~Jennifer Rapier-Milne

Shoeshine Girl

Shoe shine cover up
Brush off the dust,
Show me the door
I’m seeking the grail,
All the keys in the world…
Useless if they don’t work
On this lock

Play ball!
Story of my life

Throw me a life line
I’m drowning.
Small talk orgy
Never got to the point
Just ice rattling around
In the bottom of a glass

The kettle is whistling,
Why don’t you go check it?
Never did anyone any good
Unless they were on the run
I’m more inclined to walk
Shoe shine cover up…

Last frontier
She says it’s gone
I say, we’re just
Not there yet
Jack up the car
Flat tire has let
Me down again
Scuffed my shoes

I’m tired of polishing…

~Jennifer Rapier-Milne

Tuesday, December 21, 2010

Becoming An Introvert

Another reminder
Of why I should stay guarded
I know better
I knew better
But still I thought better
And let down my guard

I don’t understand spite
I’m not built that way
I don’t carry ill intent in my heart
Even if at times it is read in that light
I don’t operate on that level
It’s not part of who I am

So when it happens to me
It hurts, deeply
No matter how superficial the act
The fact,
Is that there was intent
It’s something I just don’t get
I don’t think in those terms

I don’t say or do things with intent to harm
Though I will react to pain… hurt
I don’t take out revenge
That’s just not in my being

Why? Because I know how it feels
To be disregarded
I’m feeling it now
Was I supposed to get angry?
Well that’s not what happened
This cut much deeper.
Anger with me only lasts a moment
Hurt lasts indefinitely
Wondering about a person’s authenticity
Wondering if I can believe
Their past words to be legit
All because of a simple act of ill intent

I’m hurt beyond words
Because I see deeper than the act
To the heart of the person
And that hurts even more
Because I thought better
Thought I could trust
Thought someone gave a damn
Thought I mattered
But it’s nothing new
It’s why I should have stayed guarded
And to that philosophy I return

So, if you wanted me to hurt
It worked

I will continue to smile,
I will act no different
I will set it aside and forgive
Because that,
That is my way
That is how I’m built
That is who I am

But don’t think I didn’t get it…

I did.

Jennifer Rapier-Milne

Thursday, September 2, 2010


Sometimes it stings
Looking back at things
That keep moving through my mind
But never break away,
Like a billboard
Standing there for everyone to see,
With a big spotlight,
You can’t even miss it at night.
Everyone looks, but no one speaks
Such a freakish sight;
People swerve just to take a look.
I can’t hide

Sometimes I sigh and even cry
When I think about the time
Wasted on taking a hand that wasn’t there,
And trying to keep up.
And the lies that hurt my eyes
The glass that cut my feet,
Too many times
I spoke whispers and hoped someone would listen,
And I tried to hide

I’ve hidden in pages, and riddles
Under cloth and behind strings,
I’ve hidden in stereotypes and expectations
Under a blanket of submission,
And behind rings.
I can’t hide

So, I walk, willingly into the light,
And turn my back on things that aren’t there,
Waste less breath on thoughts
And words of thoughts that take away
My smile,
And the peace of exoneration.
I like to smile…

~Jennifer Rapier-Milne

The Island of Me

I am an island,
Existing in an
Oddly peaceful solitude.
A sea of disappointment
Laps at my shore,
Eroding it little by little.
But I’m still here…
Harsh and violent storms
Have left me in ruin,
But I am always reborn,
Stronger than before.
My core runs deep
Down through the cold of the depths,
Affixed on a foundation
Constantly in motion
A motion that may cause turmoil
In the whole of my being
And my surroundings…
This is the nature of things…
This I must accept,
As well as my imminent end.
But for now
When there is sun,
I will bask
When there is a calm breeze,
I will still myself,
So I can feel it wash over me,
And breathe in the sweet air
As if it were my last breath

Life is too short…

~Jennifer Rapier-Milne


Nothing that could be something
That isn’t or is…
And never will be
Pushed away too hard
Some heroic sense of duty

Six down and
Wide-angle turns
No pain
No joy
Just being…

Looking for a tear
Or some sense of feeling
Numb from fingers to toes
I’m paralyzed

Thought I saw a glint of light
But I’m locked up tight
The key is gone
I’m sinking
In this quagmire
Betrayed by my own struggling limbs

One feeling collided with the next
It all happened too fast
Now both are gone
No pain
No joy

The unreal was better than
This nothing
The fading was better than
This void

~Jennifer Rapier-Milne


I am the agent of change
I am a victim of change
God or Goddess
Within me?
My divinity I cannot see
My mind is unclean
Let go of your burden he says
Trust your heart he reads
But I am flawed
My heart died
My soul cries
My mind writhes
My body is rendered a hollow shell
I’m so lost
Cannot see the flowers
For the weeds
I do not have the strength to plead
What I deserve I will receive
Am I condemned by my humanity?
Every step I take is on unsteady ground
It disintegrates beneath me
Did I will myself into this life?
I have chosen every path that brought me here
Is there no such thing as destiny?
Meant to be?
No one and nothing else to blame
Without change it all remains the same
But change I fear
It cannot be tamed
Once dropped
A feather is at the will of the wind
Not free…
No certainty…
The wind does not speak to me
But in the end
When all is said and done
All that is left,
My only reality,
Is me…
I can choose to make the best
Of Heaven or Hell
I know where I am
Stuck atop a mountain in the dark
What I do not know
Is where the next step leads
To the thorns of the thicket?
Or to the life giving stream?

~Jennifer Rapier-Milne


Things only matter
When they shouldn’t
Hot water that
Doesn’t sear the skin
Without the threat of landing

Burdened with the primal knowledge
That things aren’t what they seem
Stepping over the torn out hearts of pacifists
Who fought for nothing

What we present to the universe
Is not always what we receive
It is milled over, picked apart, and judged
By the powers-that-be

These tracks don’t lead to me
Only to the shell of who I could be
Animated by the whisper of a wish
Inaudible in these depths…

I’ve risked nothing
To define reality
Stream-lined and candy-coated shades of gray
This picturesque dream

Smoke-and-mirror parlor tricks
These things you offer me
Nothing that could be something
That isn’t or is…

Don’t presume to know my thoughts
I’m not cast from any particular mold
It was a breath that gave me life but,
My fabric was woven by me alone

I’m not timid…
I’m observing

And, I can take nothing
As well as I can give it.

~Jennifer Rapier-Milne

For This You Have My Pity...

Do not think that I am weak
Because I choose to forgive
Those who hurt me

Do not think that because I forgive
That I am desperate
I do not need to barter for friendship...

Do not think me naïve
Because I choose to believe
That people are mostly good

Do not fool yourself into thinking
That this belief is for my benefit
The benefit of the doubt is for others
Who otherwise, would not be given a chance

The whole world is not like you
The whole world is not like the people
You have known…

Why do you waste energy on bitterness?

The “you’s” of the world
Need the “me’s” of the world

Without us
You would never know kindness
Or love.

Because of these “so-called” flaws
That my personality is so riddled with
I will know true happiness someday...
All you will ever do is get close
And then destroy it in spite of yourself

Do not think that because I’m still here
That I will not go
My patience will eventually fade

Do not think me timid
Because I do not appear to fight back
I have been…
With devastating blows of kindness.

~Jennifer Rapier-Milne

For the Eyes That Will Never See This...

All of my deepest thoughts and feelings
Are scribbled onto little bits of paper
Old receipts and envelopes

You will never read them
See them
Hear them
You said that you wouldn’t

You will not let me show you
My world
You’ve developed an opinion
But you haven’t even been here.

Why merely settle for
What you think you know?
You are drowning
In the shallowness around you…
But you are so much more…
Can’t you see it?
Don’t you feel it?

The dynamics of this world
Are vast…
Yet there you sit
In your tunnel.

You only see a straight line,
Black and white
Dark and light
You do not see
The beauty of gray

Yes, knowing is comfortable,
But not knowing…
That, is what makes life worth living
It causes us to create
To wonder
To wander

Embrace the unexpected
Have no fear
Open your mind
Open your heart.
Allow yourself
To be vulnerable
Once in a while.

Yes, sometimes it hurts
But it is a chance worth taking
Because, when it doesn’t
The happiness you feel is unparalleled

Life is beautifully chaotic
Don’t try so hard to keep order

I write these words
"Knowing" you may never read them
Hoping that you will

~Jennifer Rapier-Milne

Wednesday, October 7, 2009

Introducing Me

Who am I?

I am flesh
I am spirit
My heart beats crimson
My mind is a riot of thought
God gave me the breath of life
But it is I who choose to breathe
I am the creator,
And destroyer,
Of my own world
Flawed to a perfection
That has made me
Olive, hazel, chestnut, and pink
Bold, strong, kind, virtuous,
Risqué, and sometimes weak
All these things
Just a fraction of who I am
To really know,
You have to look deep
Into my heart
My spirit,
My eyes,
And my words
Even the ones I do not speak…
I am transparent
I am complicated
I change like the desert sands

I have baggage,
But I also have treasures
I am a fierce adversary,
And a fiercer friend…
I have smiled when I should not
Cried when I would not
Survived when I could not…
And I know that rock bottom
In the pits of despair
Is where dreams are made
It is where hope is born
If I just use the strength within me
To lift my weary head
And look up.
But I also know Joy
And Redemption
I see them in myself
And all things…

Perhaps the question is not
Who am I?
But rather,
Who will I be?

~Jennifer Rapier-Milne