Monday, May 2, 2011

Untitled (Monster)

I am the wind
You…
This piece of petrified wood
Hidden for years
In a cave
Covered by undisturbed sediment
That can only occur
Through lack of movement...
Lack of action…

Too long I paced,
Hand on hip,
Waiting to be acknowledged.
And now you shine your flashlight
In my face?
Just because you
Finally decided that
You wanted to
Open your mouth and speak?
Expecting me to listen…
But I’ve been rendered
Deaf by the years of silence

Your words are lost
Save your breath
And save me the energy
That I would expend in
Justifying who I am
You helped create the monster
And now you are disgusted…
Beholdthe fruits of your neglect

~Jennifer Rapier-Milne

Simple?

Nothing is ever simple is it?
Well, not the important things…
I could really use an atlas right now,
Because I’m confused
And the only direction
I can seem to accurately go in
Is south

All I can accomplish
Are more questions,
And a paralysis
Born out of a fear
Of the unknown…
I’ve succumbed to the
Stagnation of inaction

Sitting here,
Quietly hoping that
The universe will
Sort everything out
While I try to
Remain neutral. 
But, the one thing I’m certain of,
Is that it doesn’t work this way

Perplexed are the people around me
Why do they care?
Sitting back watching this
Magnificent parade of disaster
Is it really that interesting?
My silence drives them mad
But when I speak,
My words become a circus
I feel like I’m being ripped apart in a feeding frenzy

Everyone seems to
Know what I need
Better than I…
Everyone seems to
Know my intentions
Better than I…
They know me,
Better than I…
I would challenge
Anyone who thinks they know…

Please…be my guest
Grant me an expert analysis…
Look beyond my hazel eyes
Into this glorious
Kaleidoscope of grays…
Refractions of fractures…
Judge me if
You are self-righteous enough
To do so

I’m not perfect
Go ahead and remind me…
Again.

Why is it,
That when you need someone the most,
You find yourself alone?
I’m not willing to cry,
Because I know there is no one
To provide a trustworthy shoulder,
I have been there
As often as I could
For anyone in need,
Yet the assumptions and judgment
Have made me feel isolated
I finally reached out for a moment
Only to lighten my load
To drop it, and move on
To understand more deeply
To feel better – not to offend
Just to have it come crashing down on me anyway
And I’ll admit, it hurts

Now I would rather rot on the inside than speak.
I would rather stay on my island
Than visit the mainland;
The lynch-mob is waiting

I have been judged and sentenced
Guilty because I would not defend myself
Guilty because I didn’t want to make things worse…
Guilty because I would rather be hurt, than hurt another…
I failed…but I meant well.

Have some faith in me…
Please…
Things are not always as they seem.

~Jennifer Rapier-Milne

How Did I Get Here?

How did I get here?
Rediscovering who I am,
But losing part of myself…
How did I get here?
Trying to strike a balance
Between the most important people in my life
And the most important thing in my life…
How did I get here?
Lonely but not alone
Loved but not loved
How did I get here?
Close but not too close
Wanted but not needed
How did I get here?
Wishing for simplicity
But welcoming complication…
How did I get here?
Wanting to be free
But willing to be tied…

How did I get here?  


~Jennifer Rapier-Milne

Untitled (Perfect Whore)

I am not listening
I’ve heard it all before
If you don’t care about me
I’ll show myself to the door
This game went into overtime
And no one is keeping score
I wanted to be your angel
But I became your perfect whore…

~Jennifer Rapier-Milne

Still Here Waiting

I have breathed a thousand and sighs for you
I have died a thousand deaths for you
I’ve let my heart play the fool
I stood in the rain
And I’m still here waiting…

I put my name in your hands
I knew no one would understand
I hear the laughter behind my back
I’ve risked the consequences
And I’m still here waiting…

~Jennifer Rapier-Milne

Life Preserver

I just woke up and found the world around me…
Crumbled and devastated, in my hands…
All the blood and the tears
All my fears and my doubts
I was clawing the walls trying to climb out
I couldn’t do it alone, but nobody heard
Me screaming save me…

Am I such a thief that I’d steal my own soul?
Am I just so weak that I couldn’t let go?
I held on for dear life and then I lost control

I grabbed hold of your rope…
And you cut me loose
And left me with only enough to make my own noose…

Now I’m broken and drowning out here in the rain
No one will forgive me for playing their game
I’m not that person you knew in the past

Where is my sanctuary?
I need asylum please
Let me take hold of your hand

Don’t you know?
That you’re the one
who saved me?
Don’t you know?

~Jennifer Rapier-Milne

Culture Shock

Small town…
Dust bowl…
Around me
When the wind blows
Dust clears
I’m still here
I wish it would just blow me away.

I’m silenced
By this isolation
Different
Is dangerous
Looking
For kindred
Spirits in this graveyard.

Where is my latte?
My art gallery?
I can’t say any thing
Without it spreading like a plague.
I buried myself in
Conformity
Where’s the girl I knew back when?
She’s lost and she’s drowning
In steak and sweet tea.
All these dirt roads lead to nowhere…

~Jennifer Rapier-Milne

Walking Blind

I walk
Your way
You stray

Fine lines
Narrow roads
Rocks fray

Can’t you see I’m not your kind?
Can’t you see you’re not alive?

What do you want?
I’m not really lost
You keep pushing me
But I don’t fit in your box

I wash away
Drowning in your wake
Outtakes

Can’t you see I’m not your kind?
Can’t you see you’re not alive?

~Jennifer Rapier-Milne

Shoeshine Girl

Shoe shine cover up
Brush off the dust,
Show me the door
I’m seeking the grail,
All the keys in the world…
Useless if they don’t work
On this lock

Play ball!
Swing
Miss
Strike
Story of my life

Throw me a life line
I’m drowning.
Small talk orgy
Never got to the point
Just ice rattling around
In the bottom of a glass
Melting…

The kettle is whistling,
Why don’t you go check it?
Evaporation…
Disintegration…
Never did anyone any good
Unless they were on the run
I’m more inclined to walk
Shoe shine cover up…

Last frontier
She says it’s gone
I say, we’re just
Not there yet
Jack up the car
Flat tire has let
Me down again
Scuffed my shoes

I’m tired of polishing…

~Jennifer Rapier-Milne