Thursday, September 2, 2010

Ascension

Sometimes it stings
Looking back at things
That keep moving through my mind
But never break away,
Like a billboard
Standing there for everyone to see,
With a big spotlight,
You can’t even miss it at night.
Everyone looks, but no one speaks
Such a freakish sight;
People swerve just to take a look.
I can’t hide

Sometimes I sigh and even cry
When I think about the time
Wasted on taking a hand that wasn’t there,
And trying to keep up.
And the lies that hurt my eyes
The glass that cut my feet,
Too many times
I spoke whispers and hoped someone would listen,
Afraid.
And I tried to hide

I’ve hidden in pages, and riddles
Under cloth and behind strings,
I’ve hidden in stereotypes and expectations
Under a blanket of submission,
And behind rings.
Still…
I can’t hide

So, I walk, willingly into the light,
And turn my back on things that aren’t there,
Waste less breath on thoughts
And words of thoughts that take away
My smile,
And the peace of exoneration.
I like to smile…


~Jennifer Rapier-Milne

The Island of Me

I am an island,
Existing in an
Oddly peaceful solitude.
A sea of disappointment
Laps at my shore,
Eroding it little by little.
But I’m still here…
Harsh and violent storms
Have left me in ruin,
But I am always reborn,
Stronger than before.
My core runs deep
Down through the cold of the depths,
Affixed on a foundation
Constantly in motion
A motion that may cause turmoil
In the whole of my being
And my surroundings…
This is the nature of things…
This I must accept,
As well as my imminent end.
But for now
When there is sun,
I will bask
When there is a calm breeze,
I will still myself,
So I can feel it wash over me,
And breathe in the sweet air
As if it were my last breath

Life is too short…


~Jennifer Rapier-Milne

Void

Nothing that could be something
That isn’t or is…
And never will be
Pushed away too hard
Some heroic sense of duty

Six down and
Wide-angle turns
No pain
No joy
Just being…

Looking for a tear
Or some sense of feeling
Numb from fingers to toes
I’m paralyzed

Thought I saw a glint of light
But I’m locked up tight
The key is gone
I’m sinking
In this quagmire
Betrayed by my own struggling limbs

One feeling collided with the next
It all happened too fast
Now both are gone
No pain
No joy

The unreal was better than
This nothing
The fading was better than
This void


~Jennifer Rapier-Milne

Choices

I am the agent of change
I am a victim of change
God or Goddess
Within me?
My divinity I cannot see
My mind is unclean
Let go of your burden he says
Trust your heart he reads
But I am flawed
My heart died
My soul cries
My mind writhes
My body is rendered a hollow shell
Why?
I’m so lost
Cannot see the flowers
For the weeds
I do not have the strength to plead
What I deserve I will receive
Am I condemned by my humanity?
Every step I take is on unsteady ground
It disintegrates beneath me
Did I will myself into this life?
I have chosen every path that brought me here
Is there no such thing as destiny?
Meant to be?
No one and nothing else to blame
Without change it all remains the same
But change I fear
It cannot be tamed
Once dropped
A feather is at the will of the wind
Not free…
No certainty…
The wind does not speak to me
But in the end
When all is said and done
All that is left,
My only reality,
Is me…
I can choose to make the best
Of Heaven or Hell
I know where I am
Stuck atop a mountain in the dark
What I do not know
Is where the next step leads
To the thorns of the thicket?
Or to the life giving stream?


~Jennifer Rapier-Milne

*Untitled*

Things only matter
When they shouldn’t
Hot water that
Doesn’t sear the skin
Falling
Without the threat of landing

Burdened with the primal knowledge
That things aren’t what they seem
Stepping over the torn out hearts of pacifists
Who fought for nothing

What we present to the universe
Is not always what we receive
It is milled over, picked apart, and judged
By the powers-that-be

These tracks don’t lead to me
Only to the shell of who I could be
Animated by the whisper of a wish
Inaudible in these depths…

I’ve risked nothing
To define reality
Stream-lined and candy-coated shades of gray
This picturesque dream

Smoke-and-mirror parlor tricks
These things you offer me
Nothing that could be something
That isn’t or is…

Don’t presume to know my thoughts
I’m not cast from any particular mold
It was a breath that gave me life but,
My fabric was woven by me alone

I’m not timid…
I’m observing

And, I can take nothing
As well as I can give it.


~Jennifer Rapier-Milne

For This You Have My Pity...

Do not think that I am weak
Because I choose to forgive
Those who hurt me

Do not think that because I forgive
That I am desperate
I do not need to barter for friendship...

Do not think me naïve
Because I choose to believe
That people are mostly good

Do not fool yourself into thinking
That this belief is for my benefit
The benefit of the doubt is for others
Who otherwise, would not be given a chance

The whole world is not like you
The whole world is not like the people
You have known…

Why do you waste energy on bitterness?

The “you’s” of the world
Need the “me’s” of the world

Without us
You would never know kindness
Friendship
Or love.

Because of these “so-called” flaws
That my personality is so riddled with
I will know true happiness someday...
All you will ever do is get close
And then destroy it in spite of yourself

Do not think that because I’m still here
That I will not go
My patience will eventually fade

Do not think me timid
Because I do not appear to fight back
I have been…
With devastating blows of kindness.


~Jennifer Rapier-Milne

For the Eyes That Will Never See This...

All of my deepest thoughts and feelings
Are scribbled onto little bits of paper
Old receipts and envelopes


You will never read them
See them
Hear them
You said that you wouldn’t


You will not let me show you
My world
Why?
You’ve developed an opinion
But you haven’t even been here.


Why merely settle for
What you think you know?
You are drowning
In the shallowness around you…
But you are so much more…
Can’t you see it?
Don’t you feel it?


The dynamics of this world
Are vast…
Infinite…
Yet there you sit
In your tunnel.


You only see a straight line,
Black and white
Dark and light
You do not see
The beauty of gray


Yes, knowing is comfortable,
But not knowing…
That, is what makes life worth living
It causes us to create
To wonder
To wander


Embrace the unexpected
Have no fear
Open your mind
Open your heart.
Allow yourself
To be vulnerable
Once in a while.


Yes, sometimes it hurts
But it is a chance worth taking
Because, when it doesn’t
The happiness you feel is unparalleled


Life is beautifully chaotic
Don’t try so hard to keep order


I write these words
"Knowing" you may never read them
But,
Hoping that you will


~Jennifer Rapier-Milne