Another reminder
Of why I should stay guarded
I know better
I knew better
But still I thought better
And let down my guard
I don’t understand spite
I’m not built that way
I don’t carry ill intent in my heart
Even if at times it is read in that light
I don’t operate on that level
It’s not part of who I am
So when it happens to me
It hurts, deeply
No matter how superficial the act
The fact,
Is that there was intent
It’s something I just don’t get
I don’t think in those terms
I don’t say or do things with intent to harm
Though I will react to pain… hurt
I don’t take out revenge
That’s just not in my being
Why? Because I know how it feels
To be disregarded
I’m feeling it now
Was I supposed to get angry?
Well that’s not what happened
This cut much deeper.
Anger with me only lasts a moment
Hurt lasts indefinitely
Wondering about a person’s authenticity
Wondering if I can believe
Their past words to be legit
All because of a simple act of ill intent
I’m hurt beyond words
Because I see deeper than the act
To the heart of the person
And that hurts even more
Because I thought better
Thought I could trust
Thought someone gave a damn
Thought I mattered
But it’s nothing new
It’s why I should have stayed guarded
And to that philosophy I return
So, if you wanted me to hurt
Bravo,
It worked
However,
I will continue to smile,
I will act no different
I will set it aside and forgive
Because that,
That is my way
That is how I’m built
That is who I am
But don’t think I didn’t get it…
I did.
Jennifer Rapier-Milne
